“Self awareness is the honest ability to take a look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong, good or bad.” –Debbie Ford

Last week I introduced ten steps to creating a life that you love and over the next ten posts I’ll be diving deeper into each step. When I think about any of the changes I have made in life, usually the first time I attempted the change it didn’t stick. Things like exercising consistently, eating well, self-care, meditation, reducing stress and anxiety, all did not integrate so easily. When I was able to examine why I couldn’t seem to be consistent, I realized a lot about myself and how I operate. I need structure, support, accountability—and I have to need and want the change for a reason bigger than “I should” do this. It was through the process of self-reflection and self-awareness I could see where I was getting in my own way of making the changes I claimed I wanted in my life. That leads me to step one, which is self-awareness. This step encourages a process and specific practices to become deeply self-aware.

In order to know yourself fully and understand your patterns—whether they are positive (encourage change and consistency) or negative (self-sabotage and fear based)—and get comfortable with the discomfort of change, you MUST have self-awareness. This first step to creating a life that you love offers you the ultimate foundation for change. The process of becoming more self-aware allows you to explore and examine your internal emotional world, how you respond to life, what motivates and inspires you as well as the often self-created blocks to change that are standing in your way.

Mindfulness is a major part of this step, as is self-compassion. Having a deeper understanding why you have not yet made the changes you set out to make more than once is key to knowing yourself and building your Inner Strength to make it happen. When you are living mindfully you create opportunities to know yourself and accept yourself completely with a nonjudgmental awareness. When you can remove the judgment you remove pain and shame. This step presents opportunities to create practices to live a truly mindful life. As you become more self-aware, present and accepting, you will begin to tune into and listen to your inner wisdom.

Understanding how to be mindful and practicing mindfulness have been big time game changers in my life. I have learned that I am indeed my own worst enemy—or my greatest ally. If you have had a desire to make a specific change in your life, possibly in relation to your relationship with food, understanding yourself and why you have not stepped into a space of change will create the opportunity to open yourself up to the possibilities on the other side of your limiting beliefs and fears.

When it comes to emotional and stress eating, the difficult part about change can be not understanding how it became a negative pattern, and then not knowing what else to do with stress and uncomfortable emotions besides soothe them with food (or fill in food with whatever your self sabotage patterns may be). That is why self-awareness is where we start. When you become self-aware, you understand and see clearly where your patterns have arisen from so that you can begin to create change through self-awareness, self-reflection and self-compassion.

While self-awareness is understanding that the patterns exist, self-reflection allows you to understand how these unhealthy patterns originated and become “stuck” and then self-compassion creates internal peace and acceptance. All of these elements require that you are mindful, that you are fully present and that you engage with what is true right now without judging it. This vital piece of mindfulness—the nonjudgment—is the kicker! You might feel really adept at being present, however, your ego might have a WHOLE LOT to say about the present moment as it is being presented to you—this is right, this wrong, this your fault, this is their fault, you are superior, you are inferior—the poor ego is where we usually hold much of our internal messiness. Being nonjudgmental and compassionate recognizes that we all are a mess to some degree and that is not good or bad, it’s just what is true right now.

Below are some questions that allow you tap into what you want in a reflective way. These questions offer an opportunity to understand your limiting beliefs, your internal “mess” and begin to not only challenge them, but understand that they are a part of your past and you no longer need them as you move forward. Couple this self-reflection with self-awareness and a daily dose of mindfulness and you will be well immersed in step one!

Pull out your favorite journal or any pen and paper and as you read each question just begin to “free write” whatever comes to mind. Don’t overthink this and definitely do not judge what comes up and out. Just write…

1. What do I think when I hear the word change?

2. How does it feel in my body when I think about the word change?

3. What do I want?

4. What limiting beliefs do I have about what you want?

5. Do I believe it is possible for me to have this, why or why not?

6. Is any of what I want coming from a space of ego, meaning what others will think if I had this, or having this makes me a better or worse person in the eyes of others?

7. Are there any internal judgments coming up inside of me because I want this?

8. How much do I want this, how long have I wanted this, what have I done so far to get this?

9. What is the reason I have not pursued what I want?

10. Where did this reason come from?

11. What motivates me when I do pursue what I want?

12. What is my biggest fear?

Now read back over your answers and notice how it feels to be in a space of self-reflection and self-awareness. I recommend that you follow up with some free writing from a space of self-compassion. The three steps to self-compassion are: 1. mindfulness, recognizing how you are feeling in this moment without judging it; 2. creating a sense of connection, recognizing that at times everyone feels this way; and 3. kindness, speaking to yourself as you would a friend about why you have not moved forward towards what you want as well as offering yourself kind reassurance. Write down your biggest insights that you have created through self-reflection.

I encourage you to practice a mindful minute every day for this next week (and beyond!) where you set a timer and begin to connect to the rhythm of your breath. Any time you notice that you are attending to a distraction, such as a thought, a sound, an emotion or a body sensation, release the distraction and return your focus to your breath. Your mind may get distracted every second, that’s ok! Just return your focus to your breath every second! Mindfulness is called a practice for a reason! Remember that in life you get good at what you practice…

So that’s first step towards creating a life that you love, self-awareness. When you know yourself and stop judging yourself—and you open yourself to understanding your own blocks and doing the work to move forward—you set yourself up to create a life that you love.

I will be back next week with step two, aligning with your sense of purpose. This step will be fun and engaging, however, it will be most helpful to move forward when you understand why you have been standing still, so do the work this week to reflect to prepare yourself to tap into your vision and purpose!

So many people feel as though there is a magic number they will see on the scale that will make them feel amazing, happy, proud and worthy. This is a message we receive often from society and maybe even from friends and family. The truth is that your weight is completely separate from your worth as a person. You are worthy, period. You are worthy simply because you are you and you are here. It is your birthright to experience your worth for who you are, not for what you do, what you own, what size you are, a number on a scale, or for any other external factor.

If you have a goal and desire to lose weight for personal reasons, feeling proud of that as an accomplishment is a good thing. However, it is a separate experience from whether or not you are more valuable as a person because of the number you see on a scale changing. Likewise, if you find that you have gained weight and feel frustrated, that does not diminish your value and worth as a person. While it may feel that we live in a judgmental and shallow society, most of us just want to feel content, peaceful and happy. A number on a scale may offer a temporary jolt of happiness, but it is not sustainable happiness. This type of happiness is conditional and fleeting. True happiness comes from within and is unconditional.

True and lasting contentment, peace and happiness can only come from within. While external circumstances contribute to certain feelings, they are all fleeting. Finding self-worth and value in who you are requires self-compassion, self-reflection and self-exploration. Think about why you care about the people in your life that you love, care for and trust. Is it because they look good, own fancy things or step on a scale and see a certain number? I’d think not! Most likely you care for them because of who they are. Most likely you like the way that they make you feel when you are around them. This is an experience of the true person, not some external factor. This is what others seek from you as well. They most likely are not judging you, they want to be around you because of how you make them feel.

When you feel good about yourself and own your worth, this is experienced by others. When you are down on yourself, negative and anxious about weight, perceived judgment and withdrawn from others, they may resist being around you. So how do you go about improving your self-worth on a deeper level? Self-compassion is a big one here. Grow in your ability to be kind to yourself, speak to yourself and any struggles you experience in the same way you would a friend. Self-reflection is helpful in order to improve your self-worth as you can see where your blocks are to self-compassion and self-acceptance. Some forms of self-reflection are journaling, meditation, therapy and other creative outlets. These processes lead to self-exploration where you can explore what comes up during your time of self-reflection. Through the self-exploration process you can make changes as you find patterns of thoughts, beliefs, actions and behaviors that are not serving you.

So now back to feeling worthy despite a number on the scale. To begin, I recommend throwing your scale away. If you insist on keeping it, try not to weight yourself regularly as weight fluctuates easily and often. Once a monthly is sufficient—but only if you feel it is not triggering or that you are overly attached to a specific number on the scale. When you go to the doctor you can always ask to not hear or see the number on the scale. If there is something in relation to weight gain or weight loss that may be medically driven, you do want to talk about the specific medical factors and solutions. However, this for the purpose of your health and wellbeing, but that does not require that you know the exact number.

Building self-worth is not an overnight task. If you have been struggling with frustrations due to your weight or your body, try beginning with at least a little self-compassion. What factors do you want others to notice about you, who you truly are on the inside? Notice those elements within yourself and begin to reclaim your self-worth based on who you are, not what you look like, what you own or feel that you lack. If you want to create change in your life, allow it to come from a place of kindness and care for yourself, not punishment and disdain. As you continue to practice self-compassion, self-reflection and exploration I’d love to hear what you discover.